Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Things I'm up to

OK, I'm back to work.  Got swamped by administrative stuff yesterday, back to revising that sectoral reallocation paper today.  Talking about renewing my contract, got some very interesting feedback.  Also planning a trip to England to meet someone very interesting.  I feel like I know a lot more about myself after meeting this person, though too much optimism can be a dangerous thing.  More on that in the future, though, hehehe.

Watch this old bloggingheads with Tyler Cowen and Will Wilkinson to get a sense of what we've been talking about.

I actually like going to work.  My colleagues are generally nice, very intelligent, and interesting, and it's nice to have human interaction.  It's also nice to be forced to wear pants.

That said, I like my nice quiet office.  When I write or do code, it's best to be in a quiet place with some background music.  So long as I have my 'happy place' I'm happy.

It would be nice if the sun came out though.  I think I need to arrange that appointment to get some vitamin D.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Happy Easter everyone

The four-day weekend is on day three and is getting a bit boring.  But, Happy Easter.

Because of the economic expansion, it was hard to find a place at brunch.  But some of us found a place and it was good.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Google Autocomplete, Part 2

Now it's the Amis' turn.

Why don't Americans vote?

If your choice for president were between a cactus and  an erratic old guy, the best thing to do is to move abroad and hunker down.

Why don't Americans like soccer?

For the same reason that we don't like communism, the Metric system, and faux-hawks.  We don't trust anything that was invented in Europe after July 1, 1789.  That includes cars.

Why don't Americans use bidets?

We wash our whole bodies.

Why don't Americans have British accents?

The same reason that the Germans speak German.

The British accent is another one of those 19th-century Communist inventions like Vegemite or the BBC which Americans inherently mistrust. Apparently the Brits spoke more or less like Virginians until dropping 'r's came into fashion sometime during the 19th century.

Why do Americans hate Canada?

We don't hate Canada.  We make fun of them (see Michael Moore's "Canadian Bacon" for a genuinely funny example, also South Park).  But the Canadians hate the Americans.  It's little-country / big-country syndrome, like Germany and Holland or Sudan and South Sudan.

Why do Americans think Obama is a cactus?

We have a sense of irony.  It's not the same as the British sense of irony.  American irony is delivered in small, obvious doses, like shots of whiskey.  British irony is delivered in large, insidious doses, like glasses of whisky.

Also, Americans like to mess around with survey-takers for fun.

Why do Americans hate Nickelback?

Wait, we do?

Why do Americans work so much more than Europeans?

The taxes are eight zillion percent lower; we have a more secular system of government with no blue laws; and if you lived in Nebraska (which makes Mecklenburg-Vorpommern seem hopping), what else would you do?

Also, our immigrant ancestors were a bit like that and it's part of the culture.  The Americans worry that "immigrants are working hard and stealing our jobs" and not that "immigrants are moving here to go onto the dole".  There are people who worry about both things, and they wear tinfoil for hats.

Why do the Americans celebrate Thanksgiving?

In order to get a four-day weekend and eat too much.  Besides baseball and ill-advised military adventures, eating too much is our national sport.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Google Autocomplete, part 1

In my effort to score cheap humor points increase cultural understanding, I am going to answer some of the most commonly asked questions about Germans on Google based on its auto-complete feature.

Why don't Germans play rugby?

They play soccer instead.

Why don't Germans drink tap water?

Because drinking tap water or opening the window on a warm summer day will kill you.

More likely, it's a holdover from the 19th century when the tap water really would kill you.  Cholera and dysentery are no fun.

Why don't Germans cut potatoes and fish with a knife?

It's more fun to smash everything together with your fork into a paste and eat it that way.

Why don't Germans smile?

According to official statistics, most of Germany has a bit over 1600 hours of sunlight per year, which I think is a bit of a stretch actually.  San Diego has just under 3000.  Chicago, which is not known as a sunny place, has just over 2600.

There's all of that history.  1517, 1631, 1789, 1848, 1918, 1945.

That, and their stomachs hurt from all the carbonated water, beer, and heavy-ballast bread.

Why do Germans drink carbonated water?

Because tap water will kill them and too much beer will make them fat.  They often add juice to carbonated water (or to Sprite or to beer even) to make a 'schorle' when they don't want to get drunk but want to ingest huge amounts of empty calories.  A version of the 'schorle' but with just a splash of juice is actually a good idea.

Transporting all the bottles is a huge environmental nightmare though, and it's a pain in the rear end.  I just drink the tap water; maybe it will put me out of my misery.

Why do Germans stare?

Because you have a piece of breakfast stuck to your face.

Why do Germans like David Hasselhoff?

Because they're stuck in the '80s?

Look, don't look a gift horse in the mouth.  It's better than Kraftwerk.  And seriously, who can't like this?

Why do Germans hate the Treaty of Versailles?

The same reasons that the Mexicans hate the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo.

Why do the Germans celebrate Christmas?

Why wouldn't they?  Plus, the Christmas markets are a chance to get falling-down drunk in a socially acceptable manner.

Why do the Germans speak German?

The same reason that the English speak English and the Aussies throw up.  Though sometimes I wonder if the German language is an elaborate postmodern stunt played on foreigners, and if the Germans really just speak English but with a Sean Connery accent among themselves.

Next up:  Those Crazy Americans.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Language question

Why do they call things "vanilla" when they're boring? I just ate an entire packet of vanilla-covered almonds. They're out of this world. "Vanilla" should mean "the most exciting thing that's happened to me this week". If you want a boring flavor, try rice pudding.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Oh Starbucks

Hey guys, I like how you're trying to mitigate your reputation for over-roasted coffee by introducing a "blonde roast". But for light-roasted coffee to taste good, the beans have to be good. I bought a pound of your beans to use for a French Press at home. It's not so good. I only drink the stuff in drip form when I have a cold and can't tell the difference. Really, you can do better. Sincerely, -A friendly coffee drinker

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday

So today's Sunday, which means that the stores are closed and nothing much happens.  The highlight of my Sunday is to meet some of the guys at the nicht-Stammtisch where we eat a variety of unhealthy things and wash it down with tea or coffee.  Oh how very European.

Germany still has blue laws which govern what can be open, when.  It was a major shock to come here for the first time and find nothing much open on Sunday.  All the better, I guess, because I would have had to carry my groceries two miles in the rain.

This week is cold and rainy again, but last week the sun came out and the temperature made it to a whole 12 degrees Celsius -- low to mid 50s for you Americans.  That's what the Germans call "Das Grillwetter" and what Americans call a "heat wave".


On days like that, people bring their little grills out to the park, grill sausages (or increasingly vegetables), and drink beer.  For being such environmentalists, people are surprisingly free to do this kind of stuff, and there is a lot of litter which gets generated.  In the States you'd get arrested for having beer in public or littering.  Here people think you're a little bit weird if you don't drink in public


On your more average Sunday, there is nothing to do except go out for brunch and/or drink beer.  I actually go brunch-hopping on occasion.  There isn't anywhere to walk to, and who would want to in this kind of weather anyway?  If you have someone to brunch with, the enforced downtime can provide much needed relaxation.  After about two or three years in Germany you might actually begin meeting people.

To pick your brunch place, there are several key considerations.

  1. Does it have a roasted salmon which looks back at you?  All you can eat buffets are great in this sense because you can go after the high-value targets while the Germans inexplicably load up on bread.  There's a place up Holtenauer Str. which is like this, and the price is right.
  2. Is there an omelet station?  This is actually kind of rare.  There's one place by the seaside which has this AND the fish which looks back at you.  It's also expensive and crowded.
  3. Are the ingredients fresh and well-prepared?  Here, the clear winner is around the corner from me, in a Schicki-Micki bar which serves good food and mediocre but strong coffee and has the most confusing ordering system ever invented by a human being.  (You sort of pay as you go along and keep a tab at the same time.)  They also giggle when I speak German at them.  Nobody wants to eat the lunchmeat and cheese which have been sitting out for hours at inferior brunches.  You might get fewer nugget-shaped monstrosities, at a better price besides, at the Schicki-Micki bar.  Don't let the 1980s fashion sense of the other customers scare you away.
  4. Is there unlimited, decent coffee?  Or at least is it good if you have to pay for it?  Ordering three large coffees with brunch can be almost as expensive as the food.  For the unlimited refills, the staring-fish places have them, but the place by the water prides themselves on their bad service.  That's how they prove that they're a good place, that people will go there despite being treated like they're at the DMV.  For decent, but pricey, coffee, go to the place over by the university.  If you make it there in the AM hours, the students aren't awake yet and the cheese selection hasn't begun to grow slime.
  5. Who else goes there?  If you have to overhear someone's conversation for two to three hours, it may as well be intelligent conversation.  The Schicki-Micki place occasionally has English speakers and Germans with overly-complicated haircuts.  At its cousin, Nicht Nur Brot, the background noise is a bit strong, which can be good if you're trying to tune everyone out while reading the Bild or the Wealth of Nations.  Students go to the student place, so get there early to avoid them.  The people at the place by the water aren't as outgoing, while at the Fish Which Looks Back At You place I once had a conversation with some lesbians about their times as au pairs in America.  This can be good or bad.  You'll meet former au pairs and exchange students wherever you go, and they'll regale you with stories about fat people, speeding tickets, and bad bread.

This is the upside to the deep streak of social conservatism present in Germany.  It's a socially conservative welfare state which missed out on every bad twentieth-century trend relating to baked goods.  Abortion is very tightly regulated; shops have to close on Sundays; the Germans look askance at Dutch policies toward assisted suicide.  State funds go toward religious education (not for Muslims); and the "church tax" is alive and strong.  "Dangerous" religious cults are banned altogether.  Gays can't legally marry although there is a form of civil unions.  Maternity and paternity policies are geared toward a pro-family, pro-child stance.  They don't call them the Christian Democrats and the Christian Socialists for nothing.  These parties would mostly align themselves with old-style conservative Democrats back home.

Just so long as you don't forget to buy everything you need on Saturday, you're OK.  Always buy toilet paper, paper towels, and that kind of stuff in bulk.  And be prepared to say nice things about German baked goods to any random au pairs who might jump out of the bushes at you to practice their English.

Obamacare and the German experience

To see my reactions on the possible tossing of Obamacare in the light of my German experience, go over to my other blog.  Shorter version:  Germany is explicit about rolling health care financing in with social security.  There are major problems with doing things this way, but the upshot is that everyone gets covered while still getting to choose their doctor.  It isn't socialist but it isn't anything like a free market either.