Saturday, April 7, 2012

Google Autocomplete, Part 2

Now it's the Amis' turn.

Why don't Americans vote?

If your choice for president were between a cactus and  an erratic old guy, the best thing to do is to move abroad and hunker down.

Why don't Americans like soccer?

For the same reason that we don't like communism, the Metric system, and faux-hawks.  We don't trust anything that was invented in Europe after July 1, 1789.  That includes cars.

Why don't Americans use bidets?

We wash our whole bodies.

Why don't Americans have British accents?

The same reason that the Germans speak German.

The British accent is another one of those 19th-century Communist inventions like Vegemite or the BBC which Americans inherently mistrust. Apparently the Brits spoke more or less like Virginians until dropping 'r's came into fashion sometime during the 19th century.

Why do Americans hate Canada?

We don't hate Canada.  We make fun of them (see Michael Moore's "Canadian Bacon" for a genuinely funny example, also South Park).  But the Canadians hate the Americans.  It's little-country / big-country syndrome, like Germany and Holland or Sudan and South Sudan.

Why do Americans think Obama is a cactus?

We have a sense of irony.  It's not the same as the British sense of irony.  American irony is delivered in small, obvious doses, like shots of whiskey.  British irony is delivered in large, insidious doses, like glasses of whisky.

Also, Americans like to mess around with survey-takers for fun.

Why do Americans hate Nickelback?

Wait, we do?

Why do Americans work so much more than Europeans?

The taxes are eight zillion percent lower; we have a more secular system of government with no blue laws; and if you lived in Nebraska (which makes Mecklenburg-Vorpommern seem hopping), what else would you do?

Also, our immigrant ancestors were a bit like that and it's part of the culture.  The Americans worry that "immigrants are working hard and stealing our jobs" and not that "immigrants are moving here to go onto the dole".  There are people who worry about both things, and they wear tinfoil for hats.

Why do the Americans celebrate Thanksgiving?

In order to get a four-day weekend and eat too much.  Besides baseball and ill-advised military adventures, eating too much is our national sport.

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